I think I might be done with cloth diapers.
Today, as I bent over the toilet with a pudding-poo diaper in hand, back spasming, while full on screaming and sobbing was coming from outside the bathroom door, I thought, “I can’t do this.”
When I put that diaper on him this morning, knowing that there would be an unpleasant poo around noon, thanks to this virus that is ruining my life causing us some difficulties, I felt like I was punishing myself. I didn’t want to put that diaper on him. But I felt like I should put that diaper on him, I should be environmentally responsible, I should be fiscally conservative. I knew what would happen and I knew I would hate it and I did it anyway. That’s being an adult, right?
I used to feel very smug about how much of a non-issue cloth diapering was. Yes, it was a little more laundry. Yes, you had to deal with poo removal (which you should be doing in disposables anyway, rather than filling landfills with human waste, but since when does anyone read sanitation laws?). But all in all, it was no big deal, BabyK has almost NEVER had a diaper rash, he was so frigging cute crawling around with his cushioned little bum. Hanging fresh white diapers on the line filled me with homemaker pride and the calm of cleanliness.
But then he started to get really mobile. Like, can not be contained for diaper changes mobile. And something changed laundry-wise or waste-wise because the diapers started to smell more. Probably hard water + detergent build up, but it required more energy and ingenuity and just plain hassle than I could immediately handle. So we switched to bumgenius one size diapers, mostly buying them used from other mamas on diaperswappers.com to cut costs. Cute! Easy to put on a moving baby! Perfect for sitters!
We switched to disposable wipes around this time, because there just wasn’t enough time or hands to spray baby’s bum, wipe it with the wipe and contain him at the same time. A wet pail method of wipes sounded like a huge mess waiting to happen, because if he gets into the disposables (which he does) and pulls them all out like kleenex, at least I can stuff them back in the holder and use them again later. If that happens with a pile of wet cloth wipes, with liquid in the container, I am betting my carpets are going to get a lot worse very quickly. There isn’t any place safe to put it in the bathroom either, where we do most diapering. Since we have to do diaper changes standing up (or crawling away) the bathroom is the easiest place for that sort of clean up.
Then the little bg microfiber inserts started to smell. Really smell. Stripping would be required smell. Our lovely EC trend fell completely apart as BabyK’s schedule dissolved, so there was a lot more poo in diapers going on. Also, we were running around more with the warm weather and we have always used disposables for outings. Then we went to Chicago for four days and I bought terrible, earth-killing, horrible chemical filled Target brand diapers. For $6. It was almost heaven. The velcro tabs on the bgs started leaving little welts on his legs, and they started picking up stains on the outside of the diaper – sidewalk chalk, baby food, etc. Since some of them were older and they all have been used before, some of the velcro wasn’t as sticky and BabyK figured out he could take them off. With the rainy and cold summer we’ve been having here, it seems like all I need to do to invite day-long thunderstorms is run the diaper laundry and *think* about hanging it on the line. So additional dryer guilt added to the pile. I tried adding some Calgon water softener to the diaper laundry and gave BabyK a bad rash.
I ordered a case of Nature Babycare diapers, because they really do seem to be the most environmentally friendly disposables and if we are always going to be using disposables for outings, then we should try to be responsible about it. I used my new stash of sposies to buy some time to strip all the bgs, which in the end had to be washed with bleach, twice, to get the smell out. Then I grudgingly started working the bgs back into the rotation. The diaper pails still reek of ammonia, but I guess it’s not as bad as it was before. I haven’t washed them again since I stripped them, but I am guessing that I really need to change my detergents. Of course, the recommended detergents are not readily available at my local stores, thence requiring additional shipping costs for weight in most cases, and some of them are ridiculously expensive on top of that (I am looking at YOU, Allen’s Naturally. Because only people with piles of money really CARE about “THEIR WORLD”. Why does that need to be in quotes anyway?)
But maybe the real problem isn’t the cloth diapers at all. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just need to suck it up and buy some different detergent and get on with it. It does seem like we are getting back into a routine and that means if I can keep him occupied long enough to sit still, there might be more poop in the potty than in the diapers. But then I am going to school three days a week next month, so it will be up to the mannies and that seems like a lot to ask, both in the potty entertaining and/or poopy diaper sense. I can tell you right now that the thought of coming home from a day at school to a stack of diapers that need spraying out makes my stomach sink.
I feel like I should be using the cloth diapers for all the reasons that I used them over the past year, but I also feel like it gives me some hippy mom cred. So, I feed my baby whatever calories I can put in him – french fries, ice cream, you name it. Certainly not organic homemade purees! I bought him a monkey backpack leash because I can’t carry him through the stores anymore, so there goes my sling mama rep. I am now that most despised category of parent – the leashers. Never mind that my 28″ tall son actually walks better with the backpack than when I pulling his arm uncomfortably high into the air to hold his hand. One trip through Target with him grabbing all the conveniently placed cleaning chemicals off the shelf and disappearing around the corner was enough to sell me, disapproving stares be damned. But being able to say,”Hey, I cloth diaper! I know the lingo! I am thrifty and love the earth and keep my baby away from harsh chemicals!” made me feel more like I was doing it… right. As if there is a wrong way and a right way to do this, which everyone with something to sell is happy to tell me.
I don’t know. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe things will settle down and I will get some sleep and some exercise and some peace of mind and all of sudden it won’t be a big deal anymore. Or maybe I need to just go ahead and find a diaper genie to handle the dirty sposies and start composting the rest, using that to make myself feel validated as a parent. What I am going to do right now is get up off my ass and try to accomplish something meaningful before he wakes up in 20 minutes. Wish me luck.
It's a Wonderful Life 