Archive for April, 2009

TGIF & A little EFFing tip from BabyK

Continuing in our new TGIF tradition:

I am trusting: Grandpa T to handle BabyK tonight so I can go have some grown up time. I am trusting that showing up for the grown up time will be all that is required for me to enjoy myself (because we are low on reserves right now).

I am grateful: to all the wonderful people who have said  Horsefeathers! to the labeling of BabyK as ‘failure to thrive’. And for all their wonderful support – he is so smart, you’re a good mom, he’s just munchable, etc. etc. In particular, Terri and Jo and Sherry.

I am inspired: to put on makeup and a cute outfit. A little fake it till you make it action – because I am still nasal dripping everywhere and I sound like a shemale.

Last but not least, BabyK asked me to share his Earth Friendly Friday tip with all of you:

Forget Kleenex. Use your mom’s shirt!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

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Er, Uh… Hmmm.

It is the middle of the night. Two sleeping boys are laying next to me. I am sick. At least one of them is sick. It has been a hard week, and a particularly hard day (of the, “Why won’t you stop crying??!?! Now Mommy is going to cry too” variety). I had almost made it out of that headspace until I took my online quiz, feeling quite virtuous that I had managed to finish my reading so early in the week, and would therefore have so much abundant free time this weekend… ha ha ha…and bombed it. 15 out of 20. Granted, this is a stupid quiz, there was one question that was clearly incorrectly graded by the online computer thingie, and I have emailed my professor regarding same. But dammit. Why more failure? Why? Was the whole food contest/nasal irrigation/digestive consequences of large amounts of sinus drainage failure not enough? Needless to say, welcome back to the shame spiral!! So I thought I would do a little ITIWJM exercise to try to shake off this shame before I try to fall asleep (which would make falling asleep theoretically easier, right?)

So here we go. What is my superpower?

I think my superpower is connection. I didn’t always have this superpower, and I don’t always get to use it in every interaction. I had to give it time and experience and nurturance. But I think I have a unique ability to listen to people and respond to their hearts. I think more than anything this is what has enabled me to start a non-profit organization, produce shows, and be professionally successful. Most importantly, it has made creating a family of choice (in my head I more often refer to them as the family of my heart, or my homefries) possible, which has made it possible for me to heal from so much of my baggage and scars. I think the most important aspect of this gift is being able to hear what people are really saying instead of what words they are choosing. The second half of that gift is being able to communicate with them so that they feel included and invested and heard.

Now I am bracing myself for people to come out of the wood work and tell me that I am so very, very wrong about this. Notice how I started all of those sentences with  “I think”. So feel free to discredit, since I just opened the door, eh?

Waiting.

Waiting.

Moving forward.

My kryptonite is being disconnected from my own inner voice. If someone were to come up to me and tell me that I am terribly wrong and a horrible person and have no business breathing air, my initial instinct is to believe them. Their voice takes precedence. I’ll work my way out of that eventually (usually) but it takes time and a process and often some friendly support. On the flip side, my dear friend H will sometimes call me out on something so basic, like, are you really comfortable in that chair? And I will say yes, even though the truth is that I am NOT comfortable in the chair and it’s rather obvious. It isn’t that I consciously lied to her, or that I don’t trust her enough to tell the truth. It’s that I honestly don’t know that I’m not comfortable until she asks. I have to sit and think and connect to myself to figure that out (figuring this stuff out occupies a very large percentage of my mental energy). I have learned that I need to protect myself from environments and people that override my inner voice too often. In that moment I can be led very far astray from my truth and center and purpose. I still don’t trust my ability to defend myself from abuse.

I think that my superpower/kryptonite are highly connected, as I suspect most people’s are. I think that is the nature of gifts.

I am totally not going to go into discussions of my cape/outfit/etc. Except to say that it would be very fabulous and yet very approachable. My superheromobile is probably a large comfy couch (that goes very, very fast).

So, anyone else like to chime in? Can I support you in exploring your superpowers?

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TGIF

Since I am halfheartedly following along with ITIWJM (only one T, my bad), I thought I would do the exercise for today. So here’s my T.G.I. Friday…

1. What/who are you trusting right now?

I am trusting my husband to keep hold of all the good parts of me that are too covered in sticky baby food for me to see right now. I am trusting him to take care of me financially. I am trusting him to be there for me emotionally.

2. What/who are you grateful for right now?

I am so so grateful for my adopted family members right now, especially GTF and LEB. GTF watches BabyK twice  a week, but he really takes care of all of us. He’s the best manny in the history of mannies. LEB has been sending me emails and reminding me that I really am not alone out here, even if I think that I am.

3. What/who is inspiring you right now?

Sigh. Inspiration seems very hard to come by right now. Recently bloggy good times have been had at Chez Larsson, Cardigan Empire and Ordinary Courage. Here in the real world,

the cursor just keeps flashing at me. I do want to sew some gifts for my showers (bridal and baby) next weekend. Does that count?

I think maybe I will make a habit of this TGIF thing. Let’s see if I can actually hold myself to it.

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More dirt

Seeing the discharge sheet that said “Your Child was treated for FtT” (Failure to Thrive) has made me feel like a huge, terrible failure.

He seemed to be thriving to me. Honestly.

Time for some sunshine therapy.

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Coming Clean

Oh, I have been hiding hiding hiding. From what?

Shame.

Or maybe, because of what?

Shame.

I am loving the read-along for ITITWJM at ordinary courage, even though I am not following the format precisely. But it has helped me name my malaise and even think about doing something about it, which is: share it.

Shame is something that flourishes in private, and when you are at home with a tiny child all day, there is hopefully not any sharing at all of your shameful shame. So it has been breeding in my solitude and lonely obligations and getting a big extra dose of growth hormone in the form of a holiday. And I am getting overrun with tiny shame-bunnies, coming out from underneath all of my furniture.

I feel ashamed of myself because my family doesn’t look/act/love like other families. I feel shame because I am not someone else’s ideal of a perfect mother. I feel shame because religion doesn’t make as much sense to me as it used to. I feel shame when I can’t live up to my own expectations.

I’m trying to open up the windows and doors and let the shame out to disappear in the sunlight. I have so many more important things to be focused on than all the ways that I don’t measure up.

Time for some spring cleaning.

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Happenings on the interwebs

File under: OMG WTF??

Because when I’m stressed and unhappy I can’t think of anything better to do than groom my garden in hopes of seeing tulips on the mound??? In my experience, those tulips don’t appear because of your grooming habits, but ymmv. Great post on Salon.

File under: Why aren’t we best friends in real life?

Read along at Ordinary Courage – headed to the library to get my copy today (and will hide it in the pages of my textbook so it looks like I’m studying)

Tracking my new little laptop across the country right now – on schedule for April 8! Hopefully new lappytop + surviving midterms = more blogging. I already have several posts in my head just waiting…

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