Archive for March, 2009

Things I’ve been meaning to tell you

I haven’t written a full post in awhile, mostly because I’ve spent all my computer time logged in to my ‘online classroom’ and trying to defend my keyboard from tiny hands.  (Note to self: tiny hands are BAD for online quiz taking). But I have been thinking about you all, and here are some of my disjointed and interrupted thoughts:

I made a huge change last week. So big I am not even remotely ready to discuss the particulars here. I think it was the right change at the right time, but it completely surprised me how much emotional and psychic energy it took to adjust to that new reality. It made for a very rough week (teething/food allergies/schoolwork aside) but I think we’re past the worst of it (I hope). What it comes down to is this: I don’t want to be the kind of person who is so afraid of letting go of their past that they never fully experience their future. I don’t want to stay inside that cocoon, however cozy and familiar it may be, when I have wings that need to stretch out. I don’t want to limit my life to that which is familiar. However, it’s a pretty terrifying process. More as it develops.

I am really enjoying Yael Naim right now. You probably don’t know her name, but I’m betting you know this song pretty well. How sophisticated am I to be listening to a French-Israeli singer-songwriter whose lyrics are in English, French and Hebrew? Free side of smugness with every purchase! (Let’s leave out the part where the cover of Britney’s ‘Toxic’ is possibly my favorite track).

In yet another Britney  note, did anyone hear the cover of ‘Baby, One More Time’ on Life the other week? Is covering Britney the new trademark of ironic hipster cool?

I ordered some Simply Clean based on Anne’s lovely and helpful suggestion. Hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m totally geeking out about it. I really hope I love it, because they’ve got some other products that I want to try too. Geez. I never in a million years would have pictured myself so fascinated and focused on cleaning products. (Although I have owned this book for at least five years…in case you want to find the most correct and anal way to clean)

Speaking of products: I am using the Burt’s Bee’s Super Shiny Shampoo. Debating about investing in the conditioner, but so far so good. I also grabbed the Curel Life Stages pregnancy & motherhood lotion. (Pregnancy gets all the big letters…because it’s more exciting or more marketable?) It isn’t in the Skin Deep database, but it seems like it eliminates more bad stuff than regular Curel…? I tried the Nature’s Gate Super Healing lotion or whatever and can’t hardly use it, it smells so strongly of medicine. What is up?

I’d love to continue Earth Friendly Friday, but I am kind of out of ideas (and rooms in my house, if we’re following the premise) so if you have any, send them my way!

Does anyone else find themselves composing FB status updates (or tweets) in their head all day? Is this just a side effect of homemaker psychosis or is everyone doing it? The new narcissistic habit?

And while we’re on the topic of narcissistic habits, thanks for hanging in there with my little blog. I hope it reaches you where you are.

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Judge Not

You know how sometimes a theme comes up in your life, and you get a little uncomfortable by the third or fourth strange coincidence? Lately judging has been coming up a lot for me. Specifically in a parental sense, and mostly coming from conversations with other parents about how the decisions that end up being the right ones for your family often are judged most harshly by the people you would expect to be most understanding. I’ve been trying to take it all under advisement and really pay attention to the judgments that are made so often during the course of the day, so many of them slipping right under the radar.

I often follow Broadsheet on Salon, even though I don’t always agree with their perspective I like the ladies who write for the column and the pieces they follow. But when I read this terrible, heartbreaking article today, I actually felt physically ill. I didn’t read the original article because there is no way I could make it through (I tried to read the Broadsheet post again just now and still skimmed part of it). It really, dramatically brought the issue to the forefront: we judge so often because we are afraid. So very, very afraid of messing it up, getting it wrong. Forgetting something that is crucial. Because there isn’t much that separates us from one another. We’re all human, we all make mistakes. Our children are all so precious and fragile and helpless.

I don’t know the last time I have been as scared as I was this morning. I’ve been anxious and stressed and worried, but not terrified. In the past few weeks I have been trying to accept that I am not completely in control of myself all of the time. I know I should put on my chapstick before my hand lotion when I go to bed, because I can’t open the tube with lotion on my hands. I get it right maybe 75% of the time, and I know that I am a rather intelligent person. When someone else is in the car, I have a tendency to take wrong turns even when I know the route and drive it daily. On two occasions, I have forgotten to completely strap BabyK into his car seat. (Only one involved a moving vehicle, which was immediately stopped.) So when I read about the ‘perfect storm’ of circumstances that led these otherwise caring, committed parents to forget their children, I completely understood how it might happen. I felt nauseated because it really could happen to me. It would feel so much better to condemn them, to create walls and divisions and segregations between us, so that I could feel safe from that ever happening to me. It still feels too dishonest to actually achieve.

I really really don’t want to ever hurt my child, and I really really don’t ever want to cause him serious injury (and I know these parents did more than that but I can’t even type those words).  So maybe rather than throwing stones and tearing them down to build myself up, I’m going to say instead: That won’t happen to me because I will take special care to remember their tragedy, and I will be vigilant to the greatest extent of my powers.

And if such a tragedy were ever to occur, please just shoot me. Or leave me alone to destroy myself. Because I can’t even contemplate living with that mistake.

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Bonjour, Empire

How much do I love Reachel at Cardigan Empire?

ENORMOUSLY.

For inspiring me to embrace this new body, and showing me that other moms are being stylish and I can at least consider it. But today, mostly because of this post as part of Lyndsay & The Johnson’s Super Mom series (check out my Super button!).

Because even if today was terrible (which it wasn’t) it’s still a hell of a lot better than any day of the 26 months preceding the arrival of BabyK.

Word.

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