Archive for April, 2008

All Quiet on the Western Front

So. I have something to report, which is: there is officially nothing to report.

Since my last post so many moons ago, I have spent approximately 3 hours doing anything exciting. Potentially 1.5 hours of that time was spent at an Art Parade yesterday, where crazy whacky artist types did floats and many people trying to get elected wooed us. (Some of them quite poorly. You know who you are. I’m talking to you.) The other 1.5 hours I was probably… catching up on 30 Rock and How I Met Your Mother? Or does that not qualify as exciting? We also saw Leatherheads but I assure you that was no where close to exciting.

So, if you’ve been wondering what you’ve been missing, it mostly looks like more 12 hour days of work, work, working for free, and more work. Whether or not great things are being accomplished, I have no idea. I’m just trying to get as much done as I can. Because you know, that clock she is a-tickin’, and I have roughly two months left to live. Er, work. Er, whatever.

People keep asking, what’s going on? How’s the baby? Blah blah blah? And I’ve begun to realize that they must be playing some montage of baby preparation madness in their heads: me and Mr. K having hilarious hijinks trying out baby gear, my own personal Franck redecorating our entire house, endless slapping of credit cards and ringing of cash registers and toting of adorable baby goods. Sort of a cross between ‘Baby Momma’ and ‘Father of the Bride Part II’.

Yeah. So, really, imagine that none of that is happening that you’re getting much closer.

I have been making lists, because May is the month of baby shower madness. Honestly, the people throwing these showers are doing much much more than I am. I am just trying to be a good spouse and wait until after the showers for that orgy of spending that signals new parenthood. I have been making those registries and checking them twice, though. It is a strange exercise to me, because I know that people (mostly related type people) want to participate in the baby experience and having this little event is the expression of this desire, but I have made some different choices about how we’re going to raise our family and it is strange to express them to those people via a shopping list. Of things that I feel kind of particular about, if you must know. No baby bottles with BPA,  and I really don’t need them for the first few months until I go back to work and start pumping… try to answer that question delicately – I dare you! Cloth diapers only please. No baby bucket carseats. Of course, many people have opinions about these choices and quite honestly I’m not that interested in hearing them unless we’re talking about specific product experiences. They don’t know my baby. They don’t know jack about how our household works. And I didn’t make these decisions in order to foster debate or even open conversations. I made them for my baby.

So. My baby. How is he? Mostly, he’s like a fetus. I’m not sure what sort of special, inside scoop people are looking for with this one. He does baby things, like have the hiccups and pee amniotic fluid. He doesn’t communicate. We have no special rituals or anything. I will say that he does not like it when people push at him, and hands on the belly are almost guaranteed to make him stop moving around and hide. Even for Mr. K. So there isn’t any point in putting your hands on me. You won’t feel anything. Which isn’t an answer that’s popular, I’ll tell you that. But I do feel pretty confident that he is going to be sensitive and introverted like his parents, and our Ninja Delivery plan is the best thing we can do for him. I don’t think he’s going to like being the life of the party for a long while yet. And yes, I even asked the midwife and she said it was perfectly normal and no one should expect him to be Mr. Social before he’s even Mr. Breathing Oxygen. I’m sure there’s some sort of hormonal influence at work here, but my tendency to hide away is very pronounced right now, and BabyK seems to prefer it which only reinforces the tendency.  12 hours of people a day is more than enough for me, thanks. Too bad I can’t pick and choose who those people are, but such is life.

As far as how I’m feeling, really, I feel fine. I don’t know what the expected answer to this question is, but clearly I miss the mark on a regular basis. I’m not under any illusions that this is easy or even comfortable anymore, but really, I can’t complain. My blood work is good. My swelling is minimal. I’m not on bed rest, or in horrible pain, or even having bad headaches (just the more annoying sinus ones lately). I get really worked up when people think that Hillary Clinton’s candidacy for president is an excuse for the most misogynistic, backwards, hateful speech, but mostly I am happy to just get work out of the way and go home and put my feet up. I really don’t want much other than that (although better AC at work would help). I perform on May 16 and so far so good. Except for rolling around on the floor I can do just about everything the other dancers can do. My weight gain is right on track and all in the belly. So really, fine is a good solid answer.

So, there is my update on there being nothing to update. We have anywhere from 8-12 weeks left of pregnancy and until that time I don’t think anything else is going to happen, with the eternal caveat of family drama potential, which we live with daily.  More working and laying around, I am guessing. Sorry to disappoint. I’m not sure if anyone remembers my life last year, but being boring is just about the best thing that could happen to me. I’m down for a long, long stretch of boring.

In other news, I have been working on a post in my head for literally months now, and I think you’re all going to love it. It’s a fun game we can all play. So I’m hoping that posting about it here will encourage me to actually get it done. We’ll see.

I might be too busy being boring to get around to it. 😉

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Innie or outtie

Greetings, blog readers. I hope this finds all of you well, especially if Spring has decided to show up in your neck of the woods as it is in ours today.

I have been trying to be under the radar for the past week, putting myself back together after the show. The show went very well and while it was not well attended that was their loss. Unfortunately my trying to take a little time and make myself fit for company again is not going so well. Now I am getting the sorts of messages that range from mildly guilt-tripping to outright confrontational, all variations on the theme, ‘WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO ME??????’

Now, leaving the desirability of returning those messages aside for a bit, because they are honestly coming from multiple senders in a variety of formats, let us examine that underlying question. Why won’t I talk to them? I just spent weeks talking to people for 14 hours a day. Surely I am capable. And yes, I probably am capable. But unfortunately, at this time, I am not capable of enjoying it. I am still exhausted in a way that brings back flashes of the first trimester plus the usual post-show collapse, strained a muscle in my stomach moving risers, and have this silly dream of working for actual pay at my day job, which hasn’t had much love lately. Not to mention all the various niggling little tasks that need to be done RIGHT NOW after the show for various reasons. So there is, in fact, very little time in which I would have the leisure or focus or energy to chat with people socially.

Moreover, I do not like to talk on the phone. Yes, I know that sucks. And I have one. Several, in fact. And shouldn’t this person be the exception for whatever reason? But no. I do not like to talk on the phone. I would rather use the phone to get the answer to the question I need right now, and even then it’s probably because your answer will lead to another question and then that’s like 4 emails already. I especially do not like to talk on the phone when I have been working so much because it nearly triples the amount of time I have to spend using the phone anyway. What I have lost in this strange, upside down time is the ability to force myself to use the phone. So a social phone call will most likely not receive a response in kind. (An invitation to coffee, however, is a very different animal.)

These questions, and messages, and subtle coercions have led me to some deeper thinking. I got a book at the library the other day about how your Meyers-Briggs personality type influences your mothering style. Sort of a reading-the-future exercise in my case, but it brought up an interesting phenomena.

I think I am both an extrovert and an introvert – and perhaps becoming more introverted.

I retook the (very precise because I found it online and therefore it must be so) test this morning to see how this hypothesis plays out… and it seems to have some evidence behind it. I’m only 54% extroverted to 46% introverted. That’s really not a large statistical difference at all. And seeing that our world heavily favors the extrovert, I imagine that my preference to extroversion is really related more to external factors more than internal factors. That doesn’t make it less valid, it just means that I tend to be extroverted when I’m working and in social situations (like church, for instance). But left to my own devices, I really act like an introvert. In my family environment, in my home… introvert, introvert, introvert. Mr. K is a classic introvert, and we are generally that couple quite content to make it through the entree with a minimum of conversation.  I like to be left alone to read books and think thoughts and recharge. A certain amount of social interaction fills me up and then it leaves me drained and rubbed raw and desperate for some peace and quiet. Looking at my parents this makes a LOT of sense – heavily extroverted and dominant parent vs. very introverted and sub-dominant parent.

So. Aside from my issues with boundaries, perfectionism, guilt, and low self-esteem that these types of projects love to bring up, I have been pushed past my natural capacity for human interaction. So I am hiding. And I am not trying to exile anyone or cut them out or shun them or whatever. I am just trying to put myself back together and get centered and calm and safe again. Then I might be able to pick up the phone and call and chat for an hour. So please don’t take it personally. This may take a few weeks but it is really not about you. Likewise, if our interaction doesn’t seem to go so well, it’s probably just because I’m not interacting well at all, period.

If you’re one of those hoping that I’m going to change my mind about the labor-and-deliver-in-secret-like-a-ninja plan, with notification being sent possibly days later…. um, yeah.

I wouldn’t wait up for that phone call if I were you. I’m an introvert, you see.

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