I realize it may be disorienting and confusing to suddenly be presented with a blog post from me, silent, non-blogging little me, a mere 9 months after my last entry. But I stand powerless before the cultural traditions of New Year’s, and the endless American drive to control, shape and change. You might recall that 2010 was the year of “nourish”, and that 2009 was all about “enjoying”. I don’t know that I would say I have been fully successful in these endeavors, because seriously, it’s a year. But I like it. As an exercise, it fills that post-Christmas suckhole. And so, without further ado, may I introduce to you The Word for 2011:
hope
http://sp.dictionary.com/dictstatic/d/g/speaker.swf [hohp] 
Show IPAnoun, verb, hoped, hop·ing.
—Idiom
bef. 900; (n.) ME; OE hopa; c. D hoop, G Hoffe; (v.) ME hopen, OE hopian
—Related forms
1. expectancy, longing. 8. See expect.
I really really need to work on 1, 6, and 7. Especially at the holidays when the world is very dark and I am surrounded and sometimes submerged in crazy family dynamics, I lose hope. When I go to school with people who are 10 years younger than I am, who have never held a real job and tried to carve out a life for themselves and experienced real heartbreak, I lose hope. I feel like I am slowly crystallizing into a cynical, jaded, burnt out old lady. It is hard to have hope for our country. It is hard to have hope for our world. It is hard to have hope for my family(ies), in particular. It is hard to have hope for me.
The irony here is that of course I have so many things that I have longed for – I have a beautiful family, a fine house, decent health, enough money, schoolwork that is interesting and progressing. But I find myself mourning for things that are gone. My knees. My abs. My energy. My creativity. My innocence. Where is that 21 year old girl? Where is that 25 year old girl, who was kicking ass and taking names and laughing all the way? I feel old. I feel sad. I feel angry.
So. This year I am going to be thinking about hope. About placing my thoughts and will and emotions on the side of the light. On the side of good. I remember what it was like to feel that with enough hard work and enthusiasm I could make the world a better place. I remember what it was like to believe that life was only going to get better from here (I think). I’m not sure right now how I am going to take concrete steps to implement hope, but I am going to be working on it. And maybe even sharing my thoughts about it now and again.
I hope the New Year brings you everything you long for.
